Swine flu. Run for my life!
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize
