you would pick up someone in the library
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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