Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
