I CAN MOONWALK!
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
