Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
