lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
