3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
