i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alive.
So much puke
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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