Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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