So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
