you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
