Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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