i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
