Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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