Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
