I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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