I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
