Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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