Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
operation harelip BJ is a go
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
we're making bets on your personal life
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
