so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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