when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
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I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
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I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
its liver damage thursday
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