Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
