Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
