i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
