i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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