Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
