Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
