"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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