i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
