Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
