Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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