I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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