Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
