Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
