I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
