Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
