hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My vagina is very pro this idea
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
