I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
