sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I am naked and annoyed.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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