A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
