I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
