My girlfriend figured out who you are.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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