I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
