I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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