You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
