I think I died a long time ago.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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