I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
