I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
