ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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