when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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