I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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