If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
