i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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