You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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