Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
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