it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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