Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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